In the Still of the Night

n  OthI  n   g can   s  urPas  s   the m   y  SteR  y   of   s  tilLnes  s

-ee cummings

Tis Been a Long, Long Time

I've practically fallen off the face of the earth as far as blogging goes, and am kinda bummed about it. For a good couple months I was on my A-game in the blogosphere. Then the pressures of my last semester as an undergraduate got the best of me (and my time). Now that I have a bit of down time before I'm westward bound, I figured I don't really have an excuse not to blog right now. Honestly, I don't even remember where I left off, so I'll start with graduation. Even though it's supposed to be a milestone in one's life, the most I could concentrate on while walking across the stage was trying to keep my balance from the hurricane-like gusts of wind. What I thought about while sitting (and staying somewhat grounded, minus my graduation cap flying off multiple times) was how 4 years of my life had already passed. Since age 5ish, it's been the constant routine of 9 months of school then 3 months of a mostly carefree summer. But now...now what? Before I made the final decision to move out west, I knew that's where I need to be in my life. So I booked a one-way ticket. Granted, I know I have to eventually come back to collect the rest of my belongings, but right now (for an undetermined amount of time), I'll be living out of a fairly large suitcase. Don't get me wrong, after packing for Ireland for 6 weeks and all of my travels since, I've grown to become quite the pro packer. Since buying that ticket, though, I've had my fair share of doubts about the whole thing. Then I realize that this is it. Now or never. Not that I don't like Roanoke, it's just not where I need to be in my life at this point. Since the first time I had the chance to visit San Diego, I knew then that that's where my heart would lead me right out of college. I'm well-aware of the dangers of heading somewhere fresh out of college without any job lined up and limited funds, but that's all part of the experience, right? A friend once told me of a story from a professor about not having much money. The point of the story can summed up so simply: "There's something very enriching about being poor." It makes you appreciate the simple things in life, "it reduces all the bullshit." Since I've just been living day to day, I haven't realized how soon I'm leaving until now. My, how time flies. Exactly one year ago I was in my second to last week in Ireland. It's been neat to vicariously live it once again through friends' experiences and stories. After crossing paths months ago, it's no coincidence that I had met someone who would become one of the best friends of my life thus far. It's been tough these past few weeks without her, but I know it's all worth the while knowing that she's across the pond having the time of her life with so many good people. Recently (within the past couple months) I started attending a non-denominational church called Valley Church. The pastor, PLarry, provides more insight and inspiration for a better life through his one-hour services than any other person or thing has in all my 22 years here on earth. It's opened my eyes to a whole new level of thought and perception for many things. If it weren't for my friend Brooke asking me to join her at Valley that one Sunday night, I wouldn't be the (changed) person I am today. I'm both saddened and relieved that this is my last week in where I've known as "home" for the past 2 years, but now's the time. I honestly can't say that I wish I could stay here another year because I would absolutely go stir crazy. Who knows if this move is right for me? Who even knows what tomorrow brings? It's what I feel to be right in my heart at this point in my life, so I'm going to scrap my way through it as much as possible and hope for the best. Not to mention, my friends will finally have a reason to come to California (ahem...Jenn & Jess). Much of my last week on the east coast will be spent in Long Beach Island, New Jersey to visit Brooke and a few friends along the way...then westward bound it is. Til next time, adios.

Bonus! I've tried my hand in as much country as I can handle so far. So here it lay (gotta admit - Keith Urban is a very talented man...and John Mayer is just an extra bonus):

Been About a Year Now

This is, by far, one of my favorite pictures taken from when I was in Ireland last year (2009). Sometimes you get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life that you forget to stop and take things in. Take this picture, for example. We had a limited time at this site and if I hadn't stopped to turn around, the beauty of what surrounded me would have been lost forever. Goal: pause more often to soak it in.

My blogging recently has obviously been pretty shotty, but a lot's happened in the past couple weeks:
1) Graduation, anyone? This whole spring semester had built up to that one day, that 5 seconds of walking across the stage, just to say that I'm officially done with college. That is, unless I decide to go back for grad school (which, at this point, is highly improbable). So, now...what's next?
2) I decided that I'm going to pursue my Cali dream and head west this July. July 10, to be exact. All that's left to do now is buy the one-way ticket. One way for right now, then making the trek in GYPPSY across the country (hopefully with Prissy being able to come, too). I've wanted this for two years now and it's finally approaching and I'm scared shitless. There's always a reason behind the fear, though. I've learned that if there isn't a sense of fear when you take new leaps, then there's a high probability that it's going to be mundane and predictable. I've seen my fair share of travel in the past couple years and I know that this is where I need to be at this point in my life. Taking the plunge, sink or swim time.
3) Got my first tattoo. Don't ever let one individual take control of your thoughts so much that it inhibits what you want to do. After wanting a tattoo of my Mimi's initials for 3 years, the wait was finally up. I have rid that part of myself that was tied down by another's opinion. And it was worth every second of the pain. My ode to freedom from you.
4) Moving out of the place I've called "home" the past 2 years. I've accumulated so much...stuff (mainly rocks, movies, and books)...that I'm thoroughly dreading this move out in a few weeks. But, on the other hand, I guess it'll give me something to do other than sit around and wait for work. It's been nice not having to worry about school, classes, etc., but sometimes it's good to have a little stress to keep me on track. This move out sure is starting to get to me.
5) I'm ready for the next step.

Needless to say, don't let anyone or anything hold you back from what you dream to do. Keep those you love close to your heart and let them know you're there. Always.

Wishing I were there.

Song worth a listen: Corey Stevens - It's Over

Ray.

She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through the grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
Of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Of these cutthroat busted sunsets
These cold and damp white mornings I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusty dimestore lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me

Lay your blouse across the chair
Let fall the flowers from your hair
And kiss me with that country mouth so plain
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves
To me it sounds like they're applauding us
The quiet love we make

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Well I looked my demons in the eye
Laid bare my chest said do your best destroy me
See I've been to hell and back so many times
I must admit you kinda bore me

There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes and some already dead who walk beside you
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well it's the hurt you hide that fuels the fires inside you

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Flying in a Blue Dream

Having had my first dream of flying last night, I feel that the least I could do was jot down my thoughts. The details of the dream aren't relevant to the feeling I had when I awoke this morning. It was an odd feeling of being...lifted...elevated by something other than my own body. It was as if an imaginary force, nay, a higher power carried me through the day. As much as I try to describe it, no words come to mind to accurately depict the feeling that overcame me this morning.

Maybe I'm thinking too deeply into it, but who's to say? Could it have been my subconscious telling me that everything will whittle itself into something that works for me? Flying seemed to let me know that I'll be able to soar above the fears and uncertainties that lie ahead. Therefore, I present a fitting poem that sums up my current state of mind, by none other than the ee cummings:

you shall above all things be glad and young
For if you're young,whatever life you wear

it will become you;and if you are glad
whatever's living will yourself become.
Girlboys may nothing more than boygirls need:
i can entirely her only love

whose any mystery makes every man's
flesh put space on;and his mind take off time

that you should ever think,may god forbid
and (in his mercy) your true lover spare:
for that way knowledge lies,the foetal grave
called progress,and negation's dead undoom.

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance

On Words

Your poetic flow and esoteric ways with the English language may get you far in a scholarly life, but actions, my friend, speak far louder than words. Step up and rise to the challenge you present yourself.

Glory Years in Retrospect

I don't really know how to put what has happened to me in the past semester into words, but it's sure worth a try. I'm a strong believer that the choices you make can greatly affect your future, no matter how minute the decision may seem. I've learned this past semester that small steps sometimes add up to one large step, which is exactly what is about to happen in my life. Graduation hasn't necessarily crept up on me - I've just decided to keep it in the back of my mind, unwilling to accept the reality that's approaching. Fear, more than anything, is the main factor in this conscious decision to block out one of the most monumental achievements of my life thus far. Why should I be so scared, haunted, of what's to come? I've always had a set plan for the most part, and now nothing is set in place. For roughly a year now I've been running without a plan, which has worked for the most part. So what's so different now? For the past 17 years of my life, school has provided a continual cycle where I didn't have to worry about what the next year had to offer. Now, reality: full-time job, bills, insurances, and more responsibility than I can imagine. It's safe to say that I'm not ready yet. Maybe these last couple weeks will roughen me up for the real world. Now's the time.

Now on to a side note about how even the smallest things can lead to something greater than you can wrap your head around sometimes. Think about how many people come and go in your life...how many you've met in the past week, month, year. Too many to count. But when you meet certain people, it's hard to let go. It's a feeling you just can't avoid, like that person was predestined to be in your life. I'm fortunate to have made the decisions I have; otherwise, I wouldn't be here with the people I have today. If I could, I would stretch these remaining days I have as far as possible, but that's obviously impossible. Therefore, I'm ready to make the best of them. Here's to everyone I've crossed paths with that has changed my life - even the ones who have sometimes treated me like shit. You quite possibly have changed me the most - for the greater - by testing my threshold and making me a stronger person. I thank you.

DJ Williams Projekt: Remember Me